Lovin' It Alone

New Shoes And A Beautiful Poem

2007-08-14T15:14:00.001-04:00

I just went shoe shopping!!!!!!!!!! Pretty much the last thing I needed to do, and I can't think too hard about my Old Navy bill next month or I will probably have a panic attack, but I got some really cute ones!!!! Besides, I will be job hunting soon.

I bought each boy a little pair of Chuck Taylors!!!!! They are too cute I can't wait till they come in!! I just hope they fit, I've never bought shoes off the Internet before, but I am optimistic. And look what I got:

How cute are these??? This picture doesn't really do them justice but there's a little fairy charm there on the side!! I also got three other pairs, but these are the cutest by far. I have found a new favorite brand, Rocket Dog. I've never seen these shoes in Journeys before, which is my favorite shoe store, but www.piperlime.com has a great selection, I am definitely going to be buying shoes from there from now on. Of course the pair I really wanted had to be marked down to an insane $16, whereby leaving only one size in stock, a seven, of course too small for me to squeeze my feet into.

Next-door neighbor/landlord/Best Friend's Mother lent me this great book last night, a collection of stories and songs and quotes about motherhood with illustrations by Mary Engelbreit. Not a big poetry fan, but this one brought tears to my eyes (especially paired with the beautiful illustrations--she could have been drawing my boys exactly):

My Two Sons

by Melody Carlson

My two sons,
I always wanted you.
Even when I was a little girl
Playing with baby dolls.
I clothed them and fed them,
Rocked them and sang a lullaby
Thinking that one day,
I would have babes of my own.

And God gave me you,
My two sons.
And I clothed you and fed you,
I rocked you to sleep.
And sang you a lullaby.
And it was wonderful.
I wanted it to last
Forever.

But quickly you grew older,
With sturdy legs and grinning faces.
And we made a sandbox,
Played with Legos
And read stories.
We learned to ride bikes
And mended owies.
And you grew up.

Now you are young men.
Both over six feet tall,
with whiskers.
It feels like you don't
need me--very much.

And I have to let go,
And trust God to care for you,
But it's the hardest thing
I've ever done.

My two sons,
I always wanted you
But now all I can do
Is watch and pray,
That you will let God
Clothe you, and feed you,
Rock you and sing
you a lullaby.
And it will be wonderful.

Summer Has Been Hard On My Feet

2007-08-13T13:17:00.000-04:00

My poor feet. I noticed last night as I was soaking them just how many battle scars I have, especially on my left foot, from this summer. There's the scar (I can't believe it's still there) I got from the shoes I wore in Best Friend's wedding (thanks for that), and THREE from mosquito bites from the night I (stupidly) sat out at the dying campfire long after everyone else had gone to bed. Poor feet.

My Rockstar really is a rockstar!!! He was a SMASH at karaoke on Saturday night!!! He sang three songs: "Hard Day's Night," "American Girl," and "On The Road Again" and played his guitar. He is now quite the celebrity in our little trailer park (Rockstar calls the trailer our "summer house"; if you could see the place, you would know what a joke that is). I'm so proud of him!!!! I definitely think it's time for a real guitar, not just the toy ones from Meijer and Target. His grandfather is looking into lessons. Remember him folks, he just may be famous one day!!!!

The Mother took me out shopping Friday night, which was quite a rare treat seeing as how she and I are not very close. She bought me some really nice interview-y type shirts, which is good because I just can't put together outfits like that. Tshirts, jeans, that's it. She also bought Gorgeous Boy what I think is possibly the greatest toy ever made. Thank you, thank you, Disney Store. For $14.50 The Mother has provided my little guy with hours of contenment stacking his blocks, then knocking them over. Stacking them, then knocking them over. Then I like to shake things up a bit and nest them, which makes Gorgeous Boy giggle. They're really nice quality stacking blocks, and of course, with pictures of Little Einsteins and Higglytown Heroes and Mickey and Minnie, and bright colors they're so pretty to look at!!!

Rockstar is now considering being Captain Jack Sparrow for Halloween. My son wants to be Johnny Depp. I am doing such a good job!!! :) :)

No Internet Access=No Posting

2007-08-08T12:30:00.000-04:00

Unfortunately the lack of computer with Internet access in my own home prevents me from posting as often as I would like. I miss my beloved blogs.

Well what's new.

On Saturday I painted my living room, by myself, and it turned out very nice if I do say so myself. For some reason the "before" pictures did not save on my camera, but they're unneccessary, really, just picture this room with boring white walls. So here are the "after" pictures:

Not sure if these pictures really do it justice, but trust me, it looks pretty. A definite improvement.

We took a trip to our favorite place, Barnes & Noble on Sunday evening. A taste of what we got:

I bought Rockstar his first chapter book ever!! The Adventures of Captain Underpants, as soon as he heard the word "underpants" he was sold. We are three chapters into it and he seems to be enjoying it. I picked up The Dangerous Book For Boys after reading the article in Time magazine last week about the "trouble" our boys are supposedly in. I decided that although I may not have the slightest bit of understanding of men or boys, I don't want mine to miss out on any of the things that make being a boy so special and important. I also bought another book from my list, and this, this is my favorite:

How adorable is this???? I just couldn't pass it up. I'm reading the eleventh Left Behind book now, which are only okay, but I've come this far, I can't very well stop now.

I have also decided to take up cross stitch. Movies and books are fine and good, but I want something to do with my hands.

I'm Smarty Pants Mom

2007-08-04T12:44:00.000-04:00

Your quiz score makes you: Smarty Pants Mom
Smart parents like you have smart kids. They need plenty of intellectual stimulation and you provide them with all they need, plus lots of love. You know how to help them with algebra homework, and you are superior at kissing boo-boos.

I took this fun quiz at www.areyouaslackermom.com. To get your answers you just have to decline all their offers for free information about colleges. I'm pretty happy with the results, though!!

Yesterday I went to Home Depot and bought everything I need to embark on my first painting project!!! Then this morning, I woke up disgustingly bloated with the worst cramps EVER. I decided my options were following through with the painting or curling up in a ball and dying. Best Friend put her vote in for curling up in a ball, but I will overcome the cramps!!!!!!!! My living room will be blue by this time tomorrow. I'm excited!

Finished!

2007-08-02T12:19:00.000-04:00

I'm done with school and I'm done with Harry Potter! I think I'm more excited about the latter :) I'm happy that after a year of night school, I get to cook and eat dinner with the kiddies and read them bedtime stories.

Overall I was pleased with Harry Potter. I will miss him. I'm getting back into the Jane Green book now, which was quite ignored while I was engrossed in Harry. It's decent enough, but tonight, as I was reading a scene in which the main character and her husband decide to separate, possibly divorce, I found myself, inexplicably, crying. It has been a year and a half, and it astounds me how sometimes it feels like yesterday, how sometimes my feelings are still so raw. It makes me wonder, how long does it take to get over this? There are moments, images, that are burned into my brain, and when I think of them I am sent right back to that awful time, and I feel as if I haven't really changed at all.

I have been so snappy with the kiddies the past couple of days. It's the conflicting, clashing feelings of wanting so badly to be a great momma and spend time with them versus feeling tired and frustrated, wishing they would shut up and go away. I feel like I want to get away but there's nowhere to go. My parents are coming to join us at the lake tomorrow, but sometimes I feel like they are more of a hindrance than helpful. I'm breaking my "no contact with the outside" rule by text-messaging my best friend. Kiddies were sent to bed by their irritable mother (too much bickering, screaming, and whining). Now I wish I had someone to talk to.

"The One For You"

2007-07-27T13:59:00.000-04:00

Everyone says I'll meet him. Everyone says he's out there. But what if he's not? My friends say they want me to be happy, they talk of hooking me up, of me having more babies. Anything is possible, I suppose, but what if that's just not in the cards for me?

Someone once told me, "Two people working together is always better." But why does that neccessarily have to be true? One person can control her own finances, one person can make her own decisions, one person can raise her children as she sees fit, one person has no one to argue with, to answer to, to compromise for, to lie to her. So many aspects of my single life are quite enjoyable to me.

I guess I just want to be happy, and in my life where I am surrounded by happy couples who are a stark reminder that I am alone, I want to be content. Around my friends whose children have a mother and a father, I want to know that my children are no worse off, are just as happy and well adjusted and secure without a father.

I want to make peace with the relationship I did have, and the man I did love, but no longer do. I want to leave it in the past where it can no longer define me.

It's hard to feel lonely and not hate myself for it. I try so hard to take care of myself and find fulfillment in my life as it is, and I really feel quite content, which makes the weaker moments so infuriating. I used to be such a night person, but no more.

I suppose I made things hard for myself, but what is there to regret? To hear my baby say "Mama," to feel his tiny hand grasp mine while we're walking, is heaven. To hear Rockstar, in a tender moment, tell me, "Don't forget I love you," makes me feel more loved than I've ever felt.

Maybe I'll never meet my "soulmate." My life is far from empty, and not lacking in love.

Harry Potter Keeps Single Mom Up At Night

2007-07-24T13:12:00.000-04:00

I am determined to get through the final Harry Potter book in one week. I expect late nights and tired days for the next six hundred and some odd pages. I cannot wait until the boys are old enough for books like this, I have fantasies of the three of us, curled under a comforter, reading about Harry and crying and laughing together. I also want to share the Chronicles of Narnia with them, and books by Roald Dahl. To me Harry Potter is just the epitome of books taking you away. J.K. Rowling created such a vivid and complete wizarding world that I absolutely feel like I'm there while I'm reading.

My Rock n' Roll Fantasy

2007-07-19T10:36:00.000-04:00

I wish I could have been a tall, thin, blonde haired surfer girl in the 70s. Tom Petty, in the 70s, was seriously sexy. I love the long haired rocker boys. He could have fallen madly in love with me, married me, and I'd be living in a mansion right now swimming in cash.

Rockstar gave me a sheet of Hot Wheels stickers to decorate my journal. My girly pink journal, with pages full of Hot Wheels stickers. Welcome to my life.

Nothing New

2007-07-18T11:49:00.000-04:00

I am watching The DaVinci Code right now. I read the book last year. I don't know why it bores me so much. I just am not interested in art, or religion.

Is it terrible to raise your children without religion? It's just not something I think about. Countless people have told me, since I got divorced, that I should attend church. I don't believe a belief in God will bring me what I need. I need to believe in myself.

We have a few books of Bible stories for kids, but I feel like a hypocrite because I don't know what I believe. I tell him that his great-grandparents are in heaven, not because that is what I truly believe (I don't know that it is), but because when I was a child the idea brought me comfort. I want them to believe in themselves, and to always learn. I have never believed I had to raise my children in a church, but sometimes I question myself. I want them to discover their own beliefs, but I wonder: is this a noble goal or just a cop-out, because I don't know what I believe?

The Kid From A Christmas Story Didn't Freak Out Like This

2007-07-15T11:58:00.000-04:00

Today I put soap in Rockstar's mouth for the first time. He just went too far with his smart mouth, so I grounded him from his music for a week, put soap in his mouth, then banished him to his bedroom for the better part of the afternoon. I was then treated to a chorus of "MOM!!" and (my favorite) "Someone help me." Somebody, please give that kid an Oscar. It did prompt Gorgeous Boy to say "Ma!" which made me laugh through my tears. Of all times he finally decides to say it. Things are calm now. Nothing that some cupcakes and temporary tattoos couldn't fix.

I got a roommate offer today. Of course I declined, I am so concerned about my children having stability. This is our family, and I just can't allow outsiders in, even if they do promise to help with the kids, the rent, and the housework.

I am so tired. I did nothing today, but the fighting and tears just has me wore out. My heart goes out to every single mama, and every mama with a ring on her finger but is still parenting alone. We can only do what we can, right?

I started a Jane Green book today, The Other Woman.

I have high hopes for this one, since I pretty much adore her and I own pretty much every book she's ever written, but only read two. They're both among my favorites though. Don't let me down, Jane.

Goodnight, single mamas. Tomorrow is another day.

The Bleeding Insomniac

2007-07-12T12:02:00.001-04:00

The goal tonight is to fall asleep at a decent hour. Preferably before 2 am. I watched the rest of Gilmore Girls season six last night so I'll have to clean if I'm up tonight. My period freak out is kinda making me freak out.

Gas Station Man is getting on my nerves. What is all this "You call me, you send me a text"? If you wanna talk to me, you send me a text! I don't have time to go chasing anyone down. Good grief.

Rockstar keeps insisting he was not dreaming when he saw that kangaroo in the backyard. I'm going to quit trying to convince him otherwise.

Basics

2007-07-11T14:12:00.000-04:00

My identity was dependent on X for such a long time, during such pivotal years, that severing ties and waking up every day to a life without him feels like meeting someone new and becoming their best friend. The soul-searching has been a lot of fun!

I embrace my (not so) newfound status of single mom. Rockstar and Gorgeous Boy are my life and our days are filled with the tiny moments that wouldn't have been possible if X was still around.

I like color, I like girly things, I like to shop. I swear, I smoke (sometimes), I laugh. I'm in therapy, I take meds, I gain insight. I know where I've been, I know where I am, and I have no idea where I'm going but I'll be happy getting there. I think I have something to say.